7th Heaven or Hell
by Crimson Cutie
Summary: The sins are given a second chance at life in the modern world on the condition they share a house. 7 sins plus 1 house equals recipe for disaster.
1. Chapter 1

Post-series ish. This contains no move spoilers, just the assumption that eventually all seven of the sins from the series died. I came up with this idea that because the homunculi never had a real life the powers that be have taken pity on them. The sins were allowed a second chance to live on our side of the gate in modern times. They're sort of on probation. One condition of this deal is that they all share a house, prompting some sins to wonder if this is actually a punishment.

I never got very far with this idea; I might expand on it and write more later.

This was written because I wanted to write about the sins from an outsider's point of view (and make fun of Lust's taste in guys).

Disclaimer: I don't own the homunculi or any other character from FMA that may appear or are referenced. I the book mentioned is real (I got the info from amazon . com) I don't own rights to it.

Derek could hardly believe his luck. She was the most beautiful girl in the room and she had actually said yes when he asked her out, or at least he thought she had. To be honest he wasn't quite sure if she'd been playing him when she told her name was Lust. But the number she'd given him turned out to be real. And this certainly looked like her real address. He was actually going on a date with her!

Derek walked up and rang to door bell. He waited for a moment then rang again. After a lengthier pause he rang the bell a third time. Just as he was starting to get paranoid, a tall man with an eye patch opened the door. He looked expectantly at Derek.

"Uh, hi, I'm Derek. Is Lust around?" It sounded lame, even to Derek's own ears. He looked around the room nervously. Although Derek couldn't put his finger on it there was something odd about the occupants of the room. Perhaps it was that he hadn't expected Lust to have such a large family. In addition the man that answered the door, there was a boy (or was it a girl) doing a crossword puzzle, a man reclined on the couch reading (_Internet Riches: The Simple Money-making Secrets of Online Millionaires_), a child who kept jumping on the furniture and a short man over by the door who was grinning at Derek in a way he didn't like.

"She's still getting ready. You can wait inside." The man that had opened the door replied, showing Derek to the family room where most of the others were.

The man that had open the door (Lust's father perhaps) had an intimidating look about him made worse by the fact that he had eye patch covering one eye. "I, um, promise to take good care of your daughter," Derek offered as he felt like he to say something to the man.

The guy laughed with a hearty laugh. Several others the others laughed too. "She's not my daughter," the man explained with a large grin. "We're not related."

"Oh, ah, sorry I guess I just assumed since you lived here…" he trailed off not knowing how he wanted to finish the sentence.

"We have _something_ in common, but we're not technically related." The one doing a crossword puzzle added. Derek supposed he/she was trying to helpful but he was just more confused. Something about that guy/girl was off, probably the hair do, dyed green and resembling a palm tree, what was he/she thinking?

The man reclining on the sofa looked up from his book and smirked. "Envy and Sloth are sort of related. She's like his niece." This idea made him smile, "Uncle Envy, or is that Aunt Envy." He ducked as the palm-tree haired one threw a book at him.

"Shut up Greed," he/she muttered through cursed teeth. Greed merely smiled and threw Envy's (or was it Sloth's) crossword puzzle book back at its owner.

"Ohh Ohh," spoke up the child, "Greed and Pride are brothers." He announced sounding proud of himself for having something to add. Both eyepatch (Pride?) and Greed flinched at this.

Derek merely stared at the Lust's housemates during this exchange. He'd thought her name was a joke or perhaps sarcasm. It never occurred to him that it might be her real name. But all her housemates appeared to be named after sins. What this what the androgynous one meant when he/she said they had something in common?

The exchange was broken up when a voice behind him made him turn. "Can I eat him?" This request came from the short, fat, bald man by the door.

Derek turned and saw that the man was looking at a plate of gingerbread cookies that a nice looking woman who had just entered was holding. "Yes," she told him. "I made eight, one for each of us and one for Lust's date." She handed Derek one and offered the plate to Pride.

"Aww," cooed Pride as he took a cookie "Our little Sloth's becoming domestic." It was hard to tell if there was sarcasm in his voice or not.

Sloth (who Derek now identified as the woman holding the plate making the palm tree Envy) got a distant look in her eyes. "Maybe I should settle down in a country house adopt two sons."

"NO" cried the child and Envy so forcefully that Derek almost dropped his cookie. He was getting an uncomfortable feeling again and started to wonder what was keeping Lust.

"I want two," Greed announced as the plate was offered to him.

Sloth handed him one irritated. "Did you not hear me say I only made eight?"

"I still want more." Sloth ignored him and offered the plate to the child.

"Can I eat him?" This was from the bald man who had finished his cookie almost as soon as it was handed to him. He was now looking at Pride's.

"No, Gluttony you can't eat him" Pride's voice was harsh. He had his own cookie ending all further arguments.

"Hey Greed's is bigger than mine," complained Envy. Sloth gave a long suffering sigh. Derek would have pointed out that naming your kids after sins might account for problems like this, but he remembered she wasn't their mother.

"I'll trade with you," offered the child. Derek racked his brain for which sin was unaccounted for. "I want the small one." After accepting the cookie the child proceeded to break off one of the arms and most of the opposite leg. He looked down at the cookie and laughed in a disturbing way. "I've got your limbs, I've got your limbs," he sing-songed. He broke off the remaining limbs. "Now I have got them all."

"Wrath dear, don't torture your food," scolded Sloth automatically.

Something strange seemed to overtake Envy. He leapt up from his chair stole what remained of the Wrath's cookie and proceeded to pound it into crumbs. "Suffer pipsqueak, die, die, die!" Envy cried out.

"Mommy, Envy stole my cookie," Wrath wined.

"Can I eat him?" asked Gluttony eyeing the mess.

"It's just crumbs," Greed pointed out disgusted.

"I still want to eat him. I never got to eat him."

"Go for it." Greed sounded like he really didn't care though. He went back to his book.

"Envy," Sloth scolded amid Wrath's cries. "Give Wrath your cookie."

"Why should I?" snarled Envy "It's his fault for turning his cookie into the Fullmetal pipsqueak."

"Just give Wrath your cookie so he'll shut up." Sloth replied in tired sounding voice.

"Fine," said Envy. "Here kid," he tossed his cookie at Wrath who caught it and took a big bite eating the head. Sloth muttered something under her breath about how she was never going to bother being nice again. Derek meanwhile was wondering if Lust would ever appear and save him from these people.

"Lust," yelled Pride suddenly, "If you don't get down here soon you'll find your date will have fled…again." Derek wanted to object to this accusation but in truth Lust's family was scarring him quite a bit and he was considering leaving.

"Maybe she should have been called Sloth," muttered Envy.

"Lust suits me," said the long awaited voice from the stairs. There was Derek's angel looking every bit as good as she had when he first met her. She smiled at him.

"What kept you?" asked Envy. "Wanting to look perfect for your date hmm?" There was something sarcastic about the way the palm-tree head put it.

"I can't find my other contact lens," Lust replied. Using her hand she swept her hair back so her right eye was visible. Derek saw that she was indeed wearing one lens. Her left eye was a lovely green color but in the other one apparently she'd decided to go punk. It was violent with an odd looking pupil.

"I think you should skip the lens," he told her "Your eyes are a lovely green." Was it his imagination or did she roll her eyes?

"You could wear shades," Greed suggested. He jumped quite a distance back when Wrath suddenly came after him. "I said she could wear sunglasses, I didn't say she could have _mine_." He emphasized the last word just a little.

"I want your shades," Wrath announced and launched himself at Greed again. Greed managed to jump out of the way again. "To think I gave up rotting in hell for this," he muttered under his breath as he left the room.

"Can I eat him," Gluttony was looking at the remaining cookie still sitting on the plate.

"I baked cookies," Sloth told Lust with a tone that sounded tired and almost jaded. "The last one's yours."

"Can I eat him?" Gluttony repeated. Lust, who apparently didn't want her cookie, nodded. "Yay," Gluttony devoured the cookie.

"Ready," Lust asked Derek. He nodded grateful to finally leave the house.

"Wait," said Envy "I'll get you some shades." He headed up the stairs. A moment later he came rushing down with Greed on his heels. "Here," Envy tossed Greed's glasses to Lust. She and Derek left the house.

"Your housemates are um interesting," Derek commented as he opened his car door for Lust.

"They're kind of like my family, one big convoluted family. Anyways they were probably showing off for you." Lust smiled. "So you're a religious scholar tell me all about that." As Derek started the familiar subject, he glanced over at Lust. He really was lucky to date a women like her, even if her housemates were freaks.

AN: Derek is pretty shallow isn't he? I gave Envy the book of crossword puzzles because I figured what with living for so long, the guy needs a hobby.

My lame attempt at humor but it was enjoyable to write. Review please.


	2. Chapter 2

When I was writing the first chapter I sort of found myself writing two different things. I wanted to narrate from the stranger's point of view, but at the same time I found myself wanting to describe events that happened before and after Derek's arrival. Thus I created a second chapter with a second guy. This one takes place prior to the first chapter. This is date Pride mentions when he hinted that Lust had already had one date run away.

Disclaimer: I don't own the homunculi or any other character from FMA that may appear or are referenced.

"I've got you know you little bastard," Greed announced.

"Greed, language!" Sloth scolded.

"#$!" Envy swore as Greed blew him up and passed him.

"Envy! Honestly, I've told you two not swear in front of Wrath."

"Why can't the brat leave so we can say what we want-shit," Greed added the last part as Envy nearly ran him off the road.

"Greed!"

"I'm next," Wrath announced his eyes transfixed on the television screen. It was a relatively peaceful night at the sin's residence. Greed and Evny were playing a racing game and trying to blow each other off the road. Wrath was waiting to take on the winner. Lust was upstairs getting ready for her date. The others were gathered around the family room curious to see what poor mortal she'd ensnared.

"He's here," Pride, who was gazing out the window with his ultimate eye, announced suddenly.

"Can I eat him?" Gluttony asked.

Envy didn't take his eyes off the TV. "Let me guess he's tall kind of dorky looking and wears glasses."

Wrath had rushed to the window, "Yeah, how'd you know?"

Envy muttered something under his breath.

The doorbell rang. "Can I eat him?"

"Not unless you want Lust pissed at you," Greed replied.

"Oh," Gluttony sounded disappointed.

The doorbell rang again. "Someone get it," Lust yelled from upstairs.

Nobody in the room moved. "Fine I'll get it." Pride stood up and opened the door. Standing on their step was a lanky man with brown hair and glasses. Envy was right; he did have a sort of studious air to him which made him come off to several of the sins as dorky.

Pride smiled his happy Fuhrer smile and announced to the poor hapless human, "She's still getting ready. You can wait inside." He showed the man to the living room.

The guy gave a sheepish smile and said, "Hi" to the occupants of the room.

"Dammit," Greed swore as Envy blew up his cart.

"Greed," scolded Sloth. "Not only are you still swearing in front of Wrath but we have company."

"I can't even say, dammit?" Greed complained. "That's like not ever a swear word anymore." Greed then swore a word that defiantly qualified as a swear word as Envy won the race.

"My turn," Wrath announced pushing Greed out of the way.

"So, tell me a little bit about yourself." Pride asked the guest to distract his attention from the bad manners of his apparent kids.

"Well uh, the name is Mark. I'm a currently a medical intern," (Envy coughed "typical") "I want to work on cancer research."

"Let me guess," said Envy. "You want to find a cure and stop the suffering." Envy's voice was laden with sarcasm.

"Uh, yeah," he replied uncomfortable.

"A young doctor trying to find a cure for a disease," Envy muttered to himself. "Is she capable of dating outside the box?"

"I don't get it?" this was from Wrath.

"Lust's dates either dates dorky guys dedicated to their work or bad boys on a mission." Sloth explained.

Mark was feeling uncomfortable with how this discussion was going so he deiced to change the subject. "I didn't catch your names."

"That's because we didn't say them." replied Envy, who had apparently wasn't going to give the poor guy a break. "I'm Envy."

The rest of the sins introduced themselves. A somewhat awkward silence followed, broken by Wrath swearing and Sloth scolding him. More awkward silence followed. "I wonder what's keeping her?" Mark mused.

Envy who had taken the liberty of hiding every shoe in Lust's (and for good measure Sloth's) closet shrugged, "Lust is always slow."

"I have to know, are those your real names?" Mark asked. "I feel weird calling you that."

Sloth smiled, "If you want to call me something else, I'm rather partial to the name Juliet Douglas."

Pride contributed with, "you could call me King Bradley."

Envy was all too happy to join in "You could call me Tim Marco or Maes Hughes or Winry Rockbelle or…"

"How about you Greed, you ever use an alias?" asked Sloth.

"Nope, I'm Greed and I'm proud of it. Why should I pretend to be someone else?"

"…King Bradley or Maria Ross, what's was Hughes' wife's name…Gretchen, Grace, Graica that's it Gracia Hughes or…"

"I want an alias," announced Wrath who was feeling left out. "You can call me um, Moofy!"

"Moofy's not a name," Greed pointed out.

"...or Basque Gran or ugh, Edward Elric or…"

"I like it." Wrath defended his choice.

Greed shrugged. "Whatever."

"…or Father Cornelio or…"

"Okay Envy we get it." Pride ended the list.

"Does Lust have another name?" Mark asked.

Sloth frowned, "I don't think so. Hey Envy, what name did Lust go by with Lujon?"

"Huh," Envy was distracted as Wrath was gaining on him. "She was just Lust."

"Wait a minute, he knew her name was Lust and he didn't think that their might be anything wrong with the relationship?" Sloth, who had heard the story of Lust and Lujon, asked.

Envy shrugged, "Lujon wasn't sharpest tool in the shed."

"He didn't suspect anything? Didn't think that anything was a little odd?" Sloth persisted.

"You mean like signs that the relationship was unhealthy? Or there might be more to Lust than then met the eye? Envy asked. "Nope, he was too dull. That's why we gave up on using him, couldn't figure anything out unless you laid it right out in front of him. He'd never be able to figure out how to make the stone. Just a small town hick doctor. It was amusing watching Lust come between him and his fiancé though."

"What did she even see in him?' asked Pride.

"Mmm," Envy was too absorbed in the game to pay much attention. "The dedicated young doctor- he reminded her of you know who. You little &$ brat." Swore Envy as Wrath passed him.

"Envy!"

"We're going to have to come up with some way to punish you for swearing because Sloth's scolding isn't doing a thing," muttered Pride.

"Why don't you just let the kid swear?" asked Envy.

"We've decided to enroll him in school and I don't want to get a note sent home with him everyday." Sloth replied.

"Some how I see that happening anyway," mused Greed "Miss Sloth your soon tried to rip the limbs off another student." He mimicked the note.

"Miss Sloth your son has unhealthy attachment issues," Evny contributed.

"Miss Sloth your son has rage issues, perhaps you shouldn't have named him Wrath." added Pride.

"Miss Sloth your son is violent toward the other students," Lust contributed. The sins not racing turned to see she had entered the room. "I thought you said Mark was here?'

Sloth glanced around the room. "He was." she replied "I think we scared him off."

Lust frowned, "in that case, who hid my shoes?' None of the sins responded vocally but Envy's body language gave him away. "I should have known." She sent her nails at him. Envy spryly jumped out of the way. She swiped at him again. Lust missed but she did managed to slice through the chair envy was standing in front of.

"No fighting in the house. Go outside and kill each other." Pride was ignored

"I win." Wrath announced as he finished the race by passing Envy's stopped car.

"No fair I call a rematch," said Envy. He dodged Lust's blades again. "Bring it on." The two fought, that they refrained from destroying the room was miracle.

"I wanna play," Wrath launched himself at Envy.

"Hey no two-on one." Envy managed to avoid both Lust's swipe and Wrath's kick. "Go bug Greed."

The smaller homunculus launched himself at Greed. Greed simply raised his shield and let the kid hit him. "Why are you sending this kid to school?" he asked Pride.

"It gets him out of the house," Pride explained.

"Mommy they're being mean," whined Wrath. He ran to Sloth.

"Now look what you started" moaned Sloth. She patted Wrath's back and he shut up.

Envy was distracted by all this and Lust managed to land a clean blow on him right between his eyes.

"And Lust is the winner," declared Greed. She took a mock bow.

"Yay," called Gluttony.

Before Envy had fully recovered she struck him again. "That's for intentionally scaring my date. I know it was you."

"Hey," called Greed getting a look at the shoes Lust was wearing, "those are mine."

"Learn to share ultimate shield."

"I wanna be ultimate something," Wrath suddenly announced. "How come I don't get to be ultimate anything?"

"You can be ultimate…," Sloth paused as she tried to think what title best suited Wrath.

"Annoyance," Pride, Envy, Greed, Lust and even Gluttony finished for her.

Wrath looked like he was going to a fit. The other sins braced themselves for his whining. Then Wrath smiled a disturbing smile and announced, "I like it."

"You would," muttered Greed.

AN: Moofy is a fandom name given for Wrath before his name was revealed. It also sometimes means the child when he was innocent before he ate the stones. I've seen ultimate names for all of the other anime humonculi except Wrath. Wrath is not exactly a fan favorite but I like him. I think the title ultimate annoyance suits him well.

The mention of Lujon being to dumb to figure out that there was something up with Lust came from a forum discussion. A short list of 'you might be in an unhealthy relationship if:" was created including signs like, 'when you're with her birds suddenly drop from the sky dead.' Lust's name being a clue was also on the list.

It was unintentional that in both chapters it's Greed's things that Lust borrows.

Sloth and Lust are hard to keep in character. If I write another chapter it's my goal to at least keep one of them character.

I wrote this chapter shortly after the first. I don't have any other chapters written because I'm out of ideas. Can anyone suggest a situation where I can put this messed-up sort of family?


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